here and now.

So there was a thought catalog article called “Here Is What Happens When Each Myers-Briggs Personality Type Makes A New Year’s Resolution”. I read it because, I was curious, and like all personalities, was excited to find out what they had to say about my “type.” I read through the list, taking note of each cause and effect scenario. The INFJs were last but not least, and I read what the article had to say:

Resolution: “I resolve to be less of a perfectionist and share more of myself with others.”

Outcome: Refuses to disclose resolution to others, for fear that they will have to admit failure if they do not achieve it.

I frowned and switched the screen back to Facebook, or Google Calendar, or something. That couldn’t be me, so I thought: “thought catalog, you are wrong.” The problem is … I knew it was me. Personality tests and descriptions are not foolproof, but this particular tendency of the “INFJ” was spot on.

In order to get to the point, I’m going to narrow it down to the first thing that came to mind: performing. I love to write, and I love to play music. Performing is this other animal that I have been facing, trying to capture the same essence of writing while standing in front of other people. Because “writing” is those moments when I find myself home after a long day or a hard conversation and I’m crying and scribbling words that say something like “this is me responding to this craziness called life and maybe it will be a song or maybe it won’t but please just get these words out of my brain.”

Then comes the time to take the stage. To stand in front of friends and strangers and sing these songs as though they are a polished effort, and to try to say something cute, funny, or profound in-between. Sometimes it works out and I think, “Yes, this is what I love.” And sometimes it doesn’t and I think, “Oh geez I reallllly need to get better at this.”

It scares the crap out of me. And I’m working on it. I’ve always wanted to write a blog post about being nervous and shy, but never did because, well, then everyone (k, everyone who reads this blog) would know and then … it’s kind of like our “wisdom-with-a-negative-slant” from thought catalog: I’d have to talk about how I’m in the process of learning how to become brave and then, well “I’d fear that I’d have to admit failure if I did not achieve it.”

So, resolution time. In 2015, I resolve to share more of myself with others, and I hope that, in the process, I’ll get to know the hearts and minds of others in a way that I never got to before. Because we are not the perfect or imperfect words that we say, or the mistakes we make, or the things we do or don’t do. We are here for so much more. It’s not going to be a flawless effort, but that’s the point. I’ve been learning that we have to show one another exactly where we’re at, instead of pretending to be where we wish we were. And it’s through this honesty that we really do grow and become those things we wish to be. So hello 2015, it’s nice to meet you. 🙂

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